To be married and have a family of my own was my ultimate dream. I was not built for a killer job in the corporate arena, although I have had a career that could have proved promising years before the wedding bells tolled.
At that time, having my own family will complete the meaning and purpose of my life. It was a mission that I needed to achieve. I knew in my heart, its all I wanted. I prayed hard. And God granted it.
After 22 years, two fine grown up kids, and basically a stable married life, I now wonder what else is there to do.
Accomplished? It seems that is where my confusion begins. I look around me and I see things and remember hobbies that once occupied my time with fervor. With more time in my hands now I feel a bit useless, rusting and old.
This is a scary feeling and an unproductive state of mind. I know I need to do something about this lull. All of a sudden I feel I have not done what I should have.
As I see a huge boulder with an emblazoned 5-0 rolling closer, I look back and wonder why I am feeling a bit lost. I am searching for something that would redeem my strong sense of self worth.
Even after reaching the edge of my little dreams, today, I see threats from specters of regrets, doubts and anxieties not only for what has been but for what is yet to come.
Its like trekking a path towards my last race. There is a strong urge to take different although difficult turns with repeated deep sighs.
What do you meanthe horizon is no longer too far away to see? Ah, but tomorrow has always seemed such an important word to us, and such a long one. Then we learn the truth. Linda Ellerbee, Reflections on Midlife.
But what exactly am I wishing for now, I dont know. I seem to be even more confused, restrained and afraid on my passage in this crossroad. No room for mistakes, I pound
Until Ive read more materials on other peoples experiences bearing similarities, my quiet insanity could be part of the Midlife phase.
What exactly is Midlife Crisis?
Experts say that most people become conscious of the slowing down of the biological process of their bodies by approximately at age 40 and the awareness is perceived to be introducing the progression of aging, which gives more emphasis on the visibility of one reality: old age. And aging is almost akin to degeneration, weakness and loss of opportunities only our youthful years can provide.
The term Midlife Crisis was coined by Canadian Psychologist Elliot Jacques in his article Death and the Midlife Crisis for the International Journal of Psychoanalysis. Midlife Crisis, according to him, referred to a time when adults realize their own mortality and how much time they may have left in their lives.
Carl Gustav Jung, renowned Swiss Psychiatrist, Founder of Analytical Psychology, and pioneer in the study of Midlife, compared midlife to noon in the daily course of the sun saying further that it is around the noon of life, which he saw as commencing between the 35th and 40th years, that a momentous transformation in the human psyche is most likely to occur.
However, according to the article of Robert Atkinson, Ph.D. entitled Midlife: The Crisis, Reconsidered: Today 40 no longer seems to hold the symbolic significance that it once had. People often do not feel the impact of having lived half their lives until the mid-or late 40s, or even age 50-if indeed at all.
This may be due to the longevity factor. Briefly, people now live longer-averaging 25 years longer than at the start of the century and lead more prolific and richer lives made possible by positive prospects in careers, improved health and more gratifying relationships.
According to some studies, an average healthy adult today could reach about 120 years old thus making midlife at 60.
Knowing When the Time Has Come
In women, premenopausal symptoms, the prospect of the empty nest syndrome, the economy, stress and anxieties can be triggers. In men, retirement, career change, andropause, marital disputes, financial issues and any major change can activate a sense of discontent and loss of purpose.
My husbands mild stroke almost 2 years ago, the betrayal of a person we treated like family, and the changes our children are going through were my major wake up calls for me
A search for meaning often comes in mid-life, or after a traumatic life event. Such an episode can be hard and painful, but it can also be a catalyst to rethink meaning. Mary braid, in If in DoubtYou Can find Purpose. Psychologies, May 2006: Dossier, Finding Meaning.
You are going through the motions of Midlife crisis when you:
No longer find joy and purpose in things that used to bring pleasure;
Feel that excitement is diminishing;
Start questioning the meaning of life;
Begin reassessing your decisions in the past and feel it is so crucial to make changes;
Are not sure where life is leading you;
Feel tired with your routine and role for many years;
When you strongly seek for inner truths;
Feel trapped and empty.
However there is a population that is unmindful of such dilemma.
Atkinson states: Anthropologists have discovered that arriving at middle age does not produce psychological stress and turmoil in many cultures. And that this so called midlife crisis is more of a culture-specific phenomenon, found primarily among people in todays technologically advanced Western societies.
People in conventional cultures accepted that the life cycle comprised of stages and that getting through the periods of transition was a natural process. They did not fear the middle. They knew it would lead to a resolution. They also have clearly defined socially prescribed rituals that made it possible for them to see their way through each normal transition without confusion and within a reasonable time.
An Aunt, who is in her early eighties, shared that she has not gone through such bewilderment. No time for such foolish whim. All this stuff youre telling me is a modern day invention. For me its plain self absorption and time wasting.
After her failed marriage which left her donning the role of a single mom in the 1950s, focus was on survival. In my conservative culture, subconscious training on selflessness came in early.
This crisis may have crossed her mind but its silly to even entertain it.
In some cultures, people know what to expect at certain major points in their lives.
Dr. Atkinson continues: People in traditional cultures accepted that the life cycle comprised of stages and that getting through the times of transition was a natural process. They did not fear the middle part of the process; they knew that it would lead to a resolution. Further, they also had clearly defined, socially prescribed rituals to see their way through.
Understanding the Middle Years Dilemma
Based on Jungs theory, what we were in our first half of life represents mostly of how our environment has molded us; the handed down values, customs, beliefs, expectations, endless rules and the way of life we have been taught to accept and live up to. Jung also emphasized that unresolved issues in infancy are often not resolved reasonably until adulthood.
These are parts of the self which were withheld inside us which represent the real us, the real you that have been subdued, repressed since they were not acceptable in the first half of our life. Jung says that in order for us to be whole, we need to go through this mid transition by going inward, rediscovering the repressed and unknown parts of the authentic you and finally creating the life that will express them. When achieved, Individuation or integration of the whole self is attained.
Fluctuating hormones and other brain chemical imbalances may also play pivotal roles in creating a bit of the confusion yet Midlife is not always about crisis.
Midlife also presents opportunities for self realization which our younger years may not have made possible. Armed with experience and wisdom, one can find new meanings to living which our young minds may not have been capable of creating or even understanding.
There had been studies that divorce and suicide become common during this phase because the deficiency in or loss of meaning in what a person has accomplished becomes a powerful central theme.
FACING THE ROCKY ROAD
If you notice intense midlife telltale signs bugging and distracting you, do not brush them off. Take a pause. Fight them or deal with them with grace and take action.
Turn to people who are sincerely interested in your welfare or seek professional help for support.
As we search deeper inside and around us, clues to our new quests may show up. They may be old dreams swept under the rug, unfinished projects, passions and talents left dormant in the couch of life. There may also be new things, beliefs, and activities we never thought would interest us.
To some, midlife is the beginning of a spiritual journey as well. The thirst to prepare our going home to a place that is beyond the bounds of the material world can be one impetus in implementing change in our life Probably, it is the soul echoing to us in this shifting phase.
Real life stories shared honestly about transformations are my sources of strength. And to implement what I have learned from these inspirational sources I enrolled in a sing, dance, act (all rolled into one) workshop. Spiritual? Maybe not.
It was the impulse I had that particular Sunday morning when I opened the newspaper and an ad caught my eyes instantly. It was for a reasonable fee and was open to those aged 6 to 65 yrs old. I itched to check it out. I found it odd to join but something nudged me to take part.
I am tapping the social and artistic sides that I have ignored for so long. I will be observing where it will lead me.
Becoming a star was not my illusion. My goal was to get away from my routine, meet new people, and grow with the new experience hoping something good will come out of it. And if I feel it is not working for me, I can always opt to change course. The main substance if the exercise is to venture into something towards positive change or to better whatever it is we already have.
We are all writing the story of our life. We want to know what its about, what are its themes and which theme is on the rise. We demand of it something deeper, or richer, or more substantive. We want to know where were headed not to spoil our own ending by ruining the surprise, but we want to ensure that when the ending comes, it wont be shallow. We will have done something. We will not have squandered our time here. Po Bronsons book, What Should I Do With My Life?
Midlife is a time when we can take pride in all that we have been and done, in big and small things, giving us more chance at crafting an entirely new landscape for a more inspiring second half.
Could midlife not be be a time when we are free at last for enhancing mind, heart, and talent; free at last for spiritual growth? Anne Morrow Lindberg, Gift from the Sea.
And when not understood, Midlife Crisis can give us an excuse to go into deep depression, frustration and dissatisfaction unfavorably affecting us, the people around and those we love most.
Grace Velasco Planas, a Filipino-Chinese a Stay-at-Home Mom doing Accounting and Finance tasks for their small family business, writes every now and then and formerly a Contributing Writer for Working Woman Magazine (Phils.), she continues to write for her love for the craft and most of her works are published online.
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